I watched the State of the Union address on Tuesday. That may be a sign of the apocalypse or at least proof that I am old. In the past few years I have become enamored watching the failures of our government. I feel that I now have the political expertise to advice the President. Since I am sure that President Obama reads this blog, the rest of this will be directed to you.
The 2012 election will be here before you know it. Here are some tips to ensure that you get reelected. First you have to get rid of Joe Biden. He really does not bring that much to the table. Replace him with the greatest political mind of this generation, author, talk show host, the pride of New Jersey, Jon Stewart. Having him on the ticket will guarantee the you get the vote of the that very important demographic, fans of Tosh.0 and Futurama. I would even vote for the first time ever. I believe that votes are like roll over phone minutes. So I have five Presidential votes saved up from previous elections. The only problem with this plan is that Stewart might not want to take the demotion from basic cable talk show host to Vice President. My other piece of advise is to hire Aaron Sorkin as your Chief of Staff. He got a Democrat elected President three times. He could even get you elected President of facebook.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Where's all your help?
I was working last night when I looked out of my trailer and saw an old white guy standing on the dock looking in my direction. I did not recognize him, but that was no surprise. The management carousel spins so fast here that I do not even bother to learn their names until they have been around for at least six months. When I rolled my empty equipment off of the trailer and started pushing a full container into the trailer, the guy says to me, "Where's all your help?" Now when I have lots of work to do, I do not want to be interrupted to talk to people that I know, much less complete strangers. I replied, "I don't have any help." I do not know if he heard the reply because I did not stop what I was doing or even look in his direction while responding.
He was likely just making a joke because there was a large amount of mail there on the dock waiting for me. But it reminded me how much it offends me when people suggest that I need help. I know that I can not do everything, mostly because I do not have the specialized knowledge and training necessary to complete some tasks. But I can do anything that can be accomplished through strength and willpower. I some times wonder why I refuse to even consider getting help even though it would save me much work. I would ask you for suggestions of how I could become more accepting of assistance, but I do not need your help.
He was likely just making a joke because there was a large amount of mail there on the dock waiting for me. But it reminded me how much it offends me when people suggest that I need help. I know that I can not do everything, mostly because I do not have the specialized knowledge and training necessary to complete some tasks. But I can do anything that can be accomplished through strength and willpower. I some times wonder why I refuse to even consider getting help even though it would save me much work. I would ask you for suggestions of how I could become more accepting of assistance, but I do not need your help.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Marcus Camby is still alive.
I am sure that you all expected a blog about sports at some point in my career. I had considered to make a sports parody, but the onion beat me to it. There is no way I can compete with the onion. So instead of writing about sports, I will write about fantasy sports. The over/under for first fantasy blog was 8 1/2. If you took the under, you are the big wiener.
I once heard Daniel Okrent say that the most interesting thing to talk about is your own fantasy team and the least interesting thing to hear about is somebody else's. Okrent is the guy who invented fantasy sports. If he does not care about my team, I am sure that you do not either. So you have my permission to stop reading now, unless there is a question directed to you later in the blog.
Last weekend I traded Eric Gordon for Marcus Camby. I did not want to give up Gordon, but my team is very guard heavy, and I really needed Camby's rebounds and blocks. On the day that the trade was finalized, Camby hurts his knee and will be out for three to five weeks. The even worse part of this story is that Camby is now on the bench of both of my NBA fantasy teams. I doubt that I make another trade this season considering that two of the three players that I acquired in my other trade this season also got hurt after joining my roster.
The silver lining to this story is that Camby should return to my lineup before the season ends. That is not always the case. In the most famous fantasy trade, Joshua traded Darryl Kile to Robyn just days before he died. It is strange that as often as this trade gets mentioned during family gatherings, I do not even remember who Joshua got in return. I just tried to look up the results from the 2002 season, but that is the season that yahoo lost. If either of you remember the other side of that trade, please remind me.
I once heard Daniel Okrent say that the most interesting thing to talk about is your own fantasy team and the least interesting thing to hear about is somebody else's. Okrent is the guy who invented fantasy sports. If he does not care about my team, I am sure that you do not either. So you have my permission to stop reading now, unless there is a question directed to you later in the blog.
Last weekend I traded Eric Gordon for Marcus Camby. I did not want to give up Gordon, but my team is very guard heavy, and I really needed Camby's rebounds and blocks. On the day that the trade was finalized, Camby hurts his knee and will be out for three to five weeks. The even worse part of this story is that Camby is now on the bench of both of my NBA fantasy teams. I doubt that I make another trade this season considering that two of the three players that I acquired in my other trade this season also got hurt after joining my roster.
The silver lining to this story is that Camby should return to my lineup before the season ends. That is not always the case. In the most famous fantasy trade, Joshua traded Darryl Kile to Robyn just days before he died. It is strange that as often as this trade gets mentioned during family gatherings, I do not even remember who Joshua got in return. I just tried to look up the results from the 2002 season, but that is the season that yahoo lost. If either of you remember the other side of that trade, please remind me.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A Story of Impatience or How Racial Profiling Ended Terrorism
I do not think that I have always been patient, but it is something that I have developed over the years. I think the origin of my patience is when I stopped speeding. When I was a young driver, I sped every time I got in the car. Because of that I would get a speeding ticket in even numbered years: 1992, 1994, 1996, and 1998. But then I got one in 1999, and decided that speeding was too expensive. So I vowed not to get another ticket. Eleven years later, I am still resist the urge to speed most of the time. My driving patience has spread to most other aspects of my life. Plus after spending so much time in the food service industry, waiting in lines does not bother me at all. The one holdout has been at the ATM aka the ATM machine, aka the AT&M.
I treat stopping at the ATM like it is a NASCAR pit stop. My goal is get my money in 30 seconds or less. I take my card out of my wallet and have it in hand with the window down before I stop my car. I then slide the card in and punch in my pin number for example let’s say it is 1234. (note to self: change your pin number. Try 1111.) After 1234, I hit the $100 button and the no receipt button. Then it spits out my money and my card, and I drive away. That is my whole process. It only takes six button to get my money. That should not take more than 30 seconds. However every car that is in line in front of me takes much longer than that. I am not sure what they do that takes so long. They must be making deposits, applying for loans, or checking their messages. On average it takes the person in line ahead of me approximately 47 minutes to make their transactions.
One Friday evening when I was waiting in line at the bank, I noticed that the customer in front of me was of Middle Eastern descent. I noticed because he had gotten out of his car to do his ATMing. I am not proud of this, but I did question his knowledge of English while impatiently waiting for my turn. I am not a racist (which is the statement that always proceeds a racist comment), but since I had so much time on my hands I did wonder if I was witnessing a precursor to some act of domestic terrorism. This particular bank branch has two ATMs. One is the drive through and the other is a walk up. I did not judge him too harshly for not using the walk up because he may not have known it was there, but my knowing that he should be at that machine made me even more impatient.
So when it is finally my turn at bat, I try to put my card in the machine, and it will not go in. At this point I am furious because my pit time in going to be terrible and because I have been waiting in line for an hour and a half. I think the ATM is broken, but before I can drive off in a rage, the ATM then asks me something about taking card. I push the yes button, because I want it to take my card. The ATM then spits out the card that the man before me had left in the machine. I can now finally get my cash.
But I am now burdened with this guy’s debit card. To protect his privacy I will not use his real name, so I will refer to him as Osama Bin Bankin. My initial thought is to drop the card in the night deposit or try to slide it under or around the front door. But at this point I am already late to where I was going, so I decided to put off returning the card until the next day.
The closest and most conveniently located Bank of America branch to my home closed down a year ago. So I now when I have banking needs, have go out of my way to get to a bank or just remember to stop at one whenever I am nearby. The branch where all this drama happened is in Little Rock fifteen miles from my home in North Little Rock. I usually do my ATMing there because it is near my church, but I am never near that branch during banking hours. So my plan is to take Osama Bin Wastinmytime’s card to a North Little Rock branch. On Saturday when I went out to run errands, I forgot about the card. So I make a new plan of going to a bank on Monday. But as is often the case on Monday, I am able to talk myself out of getting dressed and leaving the house that day.
By this time I am sure that Osama Bin Unabletobuystuff has realized that his card is missing and has cancelled. I did still intend to take the card to the bank so that he would no longer have to worry about fraudulent charges showing up on his statement. But like many of my good intentions, I never got it done. So if you are reading this Osama Bin Wonderinwhathappenedtomycard, your money is safe, but I did save the card in case Homeland Security wants it. And if you are reading this America, you're welcome for ending terrorism.
I treat stopping at the ATM like it is a NASCAR pit stop. My goal is get my money in 30 seconds or less. I take my card out of my wallet and have it in hand with the window down before I stop my car. I then slide the card in and punch in my pin number for example let’s say it is 1234. (note to self: change your pin number. Try 1111.) After 1234, I hit the $100 button and the no receipt button. Then it spits out my money and my card, and I drive away. That is my whole process. It only takes six button to get my money. That should not take more than 30 seconds. However every car that is in line in front of me takes much longer than that. I am not sure what they do that takes so long. They must be making deposits, applying for loans, or checking their messages. On average it takes the person in line ahead of me approximately 47 minutes to make their transactions.
One Friday evening when I was waiting in line at the bank, I noticed that the customer in front of me was of Middle Eastern descent. I noticed because he had gotten out of his car to do his ATMing. I am not proud of this, but I did question his knowledge of English while impatiently waiting for my turn. I am not a racist (which is the statement that always proceeds a racist comment), but since I had so much time on my hands I did wonder if I was witnessing a precursor to some act of domestic terrorism. This particular bank branch has two ATMs. One is the drive through and the other is a walk up. I did not judge him too harshly for not using the walk up because he may not have known it was there, but my knowing that he should be at that machine made me even more impatient.
So when it is finally my turn at bat, I try to put my card in the machine, and it will not go in. At this point I am furious because my pit time in going to be terrible and because I have been waiting in line for an hour and a half. I think the ATM is broken, but before I can drive off in a rage, the ATM then asks me something about taking card. I push the yes button, because I want it to take my card. The ATM then spits out the card that the man before me had left in the machine. I can now finally get my cash.
But I am now burdened with this guy’s debit card. To protect his privacy I will not use his real name, so I will refer to him as Osama Bin Bankin. My initial thought is to drop the card in the night deposit or try to slide it under or around the front door. But at this point I am already late to where I was going, so I decided to put off returning the card until the next day.
The closest and most conveniently located Bank of America branch to my home closed down a year ago. So I now when I have banking needs, have go out of my way to get to a bank or just remember to stop at one whenever I am nearby. The branch where all this drama happened is in Little Rock fifteen miles from my home in North Little Rock. I usually do my ATMing there because it is near my church, but I am never near that branch during banking hours. So my plan is to take Osama Bin Wastinmytime’s card to a North Little Rock branch. On Saturday when I went out to run errands, I forgot about the card. So I make a new plan of going to a bank on Monday. But as is often the case on Monday, I am able to talk myself out of getting dressed and leaving the house that day.
By this time I am sure that Osama Bin Unabletobuystuff has realized that his card is missing and has cancelled. I did still intend to take the card to the bank so that he would no longer have to worry about fraudulent charges showing up on his statement. But like many of my good intentions, I never got it done. So if you are reading this Osama Bin Wonderinwhathappenedtomycard, your money is safe, but I did save the card in case Homeland Security wants it. And if you are reading this America, you're welcome for ending terrorism.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Project 4:4 UPDATED
Last year my church family at Pleasant Valley Church of Christ took on the project of reading through the Bible in a year. We used The Daily Bible edited by F LaGard Smith as our guide. Smith put the Bible into chronological order and divided it into 365 daily readings. This was not my first time to read through the Bible. I have done it two or three times before. But my reading habits were different this time. In the past I would read for around thirty minutes a day, excluding Sundays and Wednesdays since I would be in church those days. I would also skip any day that I had other things to do and it was not convenient for me to read. At thirty minutes a setting four or five days a week, I would still easily finish the Bible in under a year even though I took several days off.
I found two big differences in reading it last year. The first is that I much preferred the chronological order to the traditional Biblical ordering. People often say that Leviticus is the hard part of reading through the Bible. But for me it is Chronicles. After reading about all of those terrible kings in the Kings, it pains me to have to read through them again in the Chronicles. I have at times had to stop reading after the Kings and go to the New Testament to get some Jesus. In this reading, I only had to read the history of Israel once. The prophets too were mixed in with the kings, so they were more understandable when put in historical context. I also liked the way that the laws, proverbs, and psalms were sorted by topic. I highly recommend reading the Bible this way.
The second and more important difference in last year’s reading was the daily aspect of it. For me reading the Bible changed from being something that I wanted to do into something that I needed to do. Setting aside a time every day to let God speak to me, helped me to put the priorities of my life in the proper order. For the first time ever, I was planning my day around when I read the Bible instead of just fitting it in if I had time. I usually get too easily consumed by my petty addictions. So I really needed that daily reminder that God’s word is more important than what is on my dvr, ps3, or the internet. (I feel like I am doing a poor job putting these thoughts into words. That both the reason why I resisted starting a blog and the reason why I need to spend more time writing.)
I was able to read the Bible 359 out of 365 days. Three of those six days that I missed were from Labor Day weekend, when I had twelve people living in my house. But through all of my other vacations and holidays I was able to stick to my reading plan. Those are the days that in the past I would always skip reading in favor of family fun. Hopefully moving forward, I will be able to keep that discipline that I have honed this past year. Though I did fall off the wagon the first three days of this year. So I would like to encourage anyone who is reading this to daily spend time with God’s word. You will be blessed by it.
UPDATE: Well it turns out that the third paragraph was confusing to people, so I will try again. For me reading the Bible changed from being something that I wanted to do into something that I needed to do. In the past I desired to read the Bible like I want to workout more and write blogs with more regularity. The desire was there but not the commitment. Now I realize that I need to read the Bible the way that I need to eat and to breathe.
I found two big differences in reading it last year. The first is that I much preferred the chronological order to the traditional Biblical ordering. People often say that Leviticus is the hard part of reading through the Bible. But for me it is Chronicles. After reading about all of those terrible kings in the Kings, it pains me to have to read through them again in the Chronicles. I have at times had to stop reading after the Kings and go to the New Testament to get some Jesus. In this reading, I only had to read the history of Israel once. The prophets too were mixed in with the kings, so they were more understandable when put in historical context. I also liked the way that the laws, proverbs, and psalms were sorted by topic. I highly recommend reading the Bible this way.
The second and more important difference in last year’s reading was the daily aspect of it. For me reading the Bible changed from being something that I wanted to do into something that I needed to do. Setting aside a time every day to let God speak to me, helped me to put the priorities of my life in the proper order. For the first time ever, I was planning my day around when I read the Bible instead of just fitting it in if I had time. I usually get too easily consumed by my petty addictions. So I really needed that daily reminder that God’s word is more important than what is on my dvr, ps3, or the internet. (I feel like I am doing a poor job putting these thoughts into words. That both the reason why I resisted starting a blog and the reason why I need to spend more time writing.)
I was able to read the Bible 359 out of 365 days. Three of those six days that I missed were from Labor Day weekend, when I had twelve people living in my house. But through all of my other vacations and holidays I was able to stick to my reading plan. Those are the days that in the past I would always skip reading in favor of family fun. Hopefully moving forward, I will be able to keep that discipline that I have honed this past year. Though I did fall off the wagon the first three days of this year. So I would like to encourage anyone who is reading this to daily spend time with God’s word. You will be blessed by it.
UPDATE: Well it turns out that the third paragraph was confusing to people, so I will try again. For me reading the Bible changed from being something that I wanted to do into something that I needed to do. In the past I desired to read the Bible like I want to workout more and write blogs with more regularity. The desire was there but not the commitment. Now I realize that I need to read the Bible the way that I need to eat and to breathe.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
What's in a name?
I should be better at naming things than I am because I gets lots of practice thinking up names for my many fantasy sports teams. If I ever come up with a good name, I will reuse it year after year. My three baseball teams keep the same names every year. Tinker2Evers2Chance, my favorite team, is named after the Franklin Pierce Adams poem about my beloved Cubs. Suicide Squeeze is an exciting baseball play plus has nice alliteration. The Jane‘s Addiction song Been Caught Stealing is not about baseball but has a funny video.
On the other hand my football team names change almost every year. They are usually based on whatever books I am reading or tv shows that I am watching when I create the teams. I once had a team whose name I changed every week of the season. I have twice named football teams Defending Champs., though neither team was able to defend their title. My favorite football team name was FireMikeSherman.com that I used during Mike Sherman’s final year as coach of the Packers. I am a bit superstitious and think that a team with a bad names will lose. So it is always difficult coming up with an appropriate name. But I am comforted by the knowledge that after that season is over I am no longer tied to that name.
There was even more pressure to come up with a great name for this blog because of its permanence. Since I have been trying to talk myself out of starting this blog for several of months, I have had plenty of time to choose the right name. My first idea was to name it This is Not a Blog or The Blog I’m Not Writing or something similar. That way when asked about it, I could reply that I was not writing a blog. However I decided that I might get tired of that joke, and it was not that funny to begin with. So while testing out names, I was also trying to come up with recurring bits that my blog could be known for like Ellen’s Open Letters or Allie’s drawings. The idea crossed my mind of making diary entries. And that thought led to the perfect name for my blog.
Today I Was POMPOUS is part of this line delivered brilliantly by Adam Baldwin from the tv show Firefly, “Dear diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.” I should apologize now to any Firefly fans who stumbled on to this site expecting to find a page devoted to Jayne Cobb. If you have read this far, come back any time. There will be future posts about my love of all things Whedon.
And I would have to be at least a little bit pompous to write a blog. Why else would I even bother to record my thoughts and tales of my life here on the internet? Unless I believe that you are longing for every detail of my life and will be changed for good by the wit and wisdom of my words. Which of course I do.
On the other hand my football team names change almost every year. They are usually based on whatever books I am reading or tv shows that I am watching when I create the teams. I once had a team whose name I changed every week of the season. I have twice named football teams Defending Champs., though neither team was able to defend their title. My favorite football team name was FireMikeSherman.com that I used during Mike Sherman’s final year as coach of the Packers. I am a bit superstitious and think that a team with a bad names will lose. So it is always difficult coming up with an appropriate name. But I am comforted by the knowledge that after that season is over I am no longer tied to that name.
There was even more pressure to come up with a great name for this blog because of its permanence. Since I have been trying to talk myself out of starting this blog for several of months, I have had plenty of time to choose the right name. My first idea was to name it This is Not a Blog or The Blog I’m Not Writing or something similar. That way when asked about it, I could reply that I was not writing a blog. However I decided that I might get tired of that joke, and it was not that funny to begin with. So while testing out names, I was also trying to come up with recurring bits that my blog could be known for like Ellen’s Open Letters or Allie’s drawings. The idea crossed my mind of making diary entries. And that thought led to the perfect name for my blog.
Today I Was POMPOUS is part of this line delivered brilliantly by Adam Baldwin from the tv show Firefly, “Dear diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.” I should apologize now to any Firefly fans who stumbled on to this site expecting to find a page devoted to Jayne Cobb. If you have read this far, come back any time. There will be future posts about my love of all things Whedon.
And I would have to be at least a little bit pompous to write a blog. Why else would I even bother to record my thoughts and tales of my life here on the internet? Unless I believe that you are longing for every detail of my life and will be changed for good by the wit and wisdom of my words. Which of course I do.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Welcome to the internet
I have been threatening people by telling them that I have this desire to start a blog and also begging them to talk me out of it. Unfortunately no one talked me out of this. I am a bit surprised that there was not a hit put out on me to prevent this blog from coming about. But in theory, there are worse things that you could be reading on the internet. So here I am. Read at your own risk.
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