If I could save time in a bottle

Last night I thought about publishing in the realm of social media the statement, "I need a baby food jar full of time." I wondered how people would react to it. People might think it was some deep philosophic comment on time spent raising babies. Either there wasn't enough time in the day to get it all done or I was too busy with other things to spend as much time with the baby as I wanted. Maybe it was a comment on how fast she is growing up, and how I wanted to stop time and savor the moments.

Turns out that I just misspelled thyme, and pinterest keeps my spices in baby food jars. So much for my poetic words of wisdom. Also I have no idea what thyme tastes like or why it should have gone into my chicken pot pie last night.

Hello, My Name Is

Yesterday on the drive to Beebe the Matthew West song Hello, My Name Is came on the radio. It goes like this.

Hello, my name is regret

I'm pretty sure we have met

Every single day of your life

I'm the whisper inside

That won't let you forget

Hello, my name is defeat

I know you recognize me

Just when you think you can win

I'll drag you right back down again

'Til you've lost all belief

As I listened I realized that is where I have been living lately. I already knew it, but just had not stated it out loud. Though I didn't actually say it out loud since I wasn't in the car alone. I needed to be reminded of the truth of the rest of the song.

Oh, these are the voices. Oh, these are the lies

And I have believed them for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I've been saved, I've been changed, I have been set free

"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I am no longer defined

By all the wreckage behind

The one who makes all things new

Has proven it's true

Just take a look at my life

What love the Father has lavished upon us that we should be called His children

It turns out that I have all my inspirational moments while driving 67/167. Must be because it's the road to Mecca Searcy.

Role Reversal

People seemed to be interested in my sleeping habits, or it may just an easy topic for conversation. Like when Susan used to ask Will a question about his work, then thirty minutes later, he's still talking, and everyone is looking for razor blades or tying their shoe laces in nooses. But I'll take a chance and tell you anyway.

Saturday I slept from midnight to 5:30. I try to get at least six hours and wanted to sleep longer that day, but I couldn't fall back asleep. That's usually enough sleep to get me through, but this day I was exhausted. I was dozing off while watching tv and really wanted to go to bed before 7:30. Eventually I gave up the fight and took a nap. Even the World Series wasn't a good enough draw to keep me awake. Once when I woke up, this conversation happened.

Ellen "You're missing a good game. Too bad you don't like baseball as much as me."

Shane "Too bad you don't like sleep as much as me."

Ellen "I'm gonna tweet that." (I always tell her that I already tweeted things when she tells me not to repeat them. Ellen doesn't tweet.)

Shane "#FreakyFriday" (I didn't actually say hashtag, but this is the Mac version of the story.)

That conversation was enough to wake me up, and I got to see the crazy ending of the ballgame. As I write this out, I realize that it loses quite a bit in the retelling. But I have to post it, cause it's already written and cause people commit suicide during Will's stories.

Drama Drama Drama Anecdote From Work

My last post was more serious than my typical post. So I have been reluctant to follow it up with something frivolous. It's only been five days since that last post, but I wrote it a week before it was published. So it's actually been nearly two weeks since I've written anything, though that's not a personal record. I decided to write today whether I had anything so say or not, and it would have looked much like this paragraph. But then there was Drama at work this morning.

ps. If you're not pronouncing Drama right, you're missing half the fun of this post.

In an effort to protect the innocent, who is me, I will use pseudonyms for the people involved. The incident involved a woman and a man, so I'll call them Traci<3 and Tracii. Actually, that might be too confusing, and I don't have the heart font. I'll just call them she and he.

I was on the dock and heard an argument behind me. As his voice got louder, I turned to watch. They were standing face to face, and her back was toward me. So I could hear his side of the argument but not hers. By face to face I mean they were close enough that I hoped that neither spit when they talked. Only being able to hear one side, I thought that it was a very silly and childish thing to argue about. As I watched, I began to worry about what I should do if he hit her, because he seemed mad enough. Then he abruptly turned and walked away.

I was glad that nothing more happened but was disappointed that I didn't have a better story. Later my supervisor told me that I would have to write a statement of what I saw. I was a bit nervous since I didn't know if I was a witness for the prosecution or the defense, or even what the charge was. I wanted to ask to read their statements before giving mine, so I would have an idea of what to say. Just before I went in to testify someone asked me if she really spit in his face. That at least gave me an idea of the charges, though it didn't change my story any.

Later I saw one of my supervisors putting a guy in a chicken wing or maybe a half nelson. When I accused him of making me witness another fight, he said, "I'm from Gandhiland. I'm nonviolent." I had always assumed that he was from India. Turns out that the other guy's shoulder was dislocated, and he was just trying to help.

Changing the world since 1999

The other day I was invited to a party. I immediately got my dear in the headlights look. As in, "Dear God please get me out of this!" Thankfully my prayer was answered when Ellen said that I would be in Kentuck today. You may not know this about me, but parties are my nemesis. I hate all parties whether they are Halloween, Christmas, or political. You might argue that I am gladly partying today, but there are two different kinds of birthday parties. My family often gets together for a meal and dessert and some times there are dames. The only difference today is that there are presents. I like that kind of birthday party. But when the birthday is elsewhere and with other people, that's when my social anxiety flares up. For not the first time, Katelyn saved my life today.

I say not the first time because she did it fourteen years also. She was born during a difficult time in my life. I already had my prodigal son moment and returned to church after being away for several years and was praying for really the first time in my life. But it was the presence of that newborn baby that really motivated me to change my life. I had never paid much attention to babies in the past. It's likely that I had held one before, but I can't guarantee it. I held broken winged baby girl all the time. She knew nothing of the disaster I had made of the first 26 years of my life. I was starting a new relationship with her and realized that I could start anew with myself as well. After meeting her, I forgave myself and others (not sure which was harder) for all the sins in my past. Saying that she saved my soul is blasphemous, but it's not far from the truth.

All that in just the first few months of her life. She is even more precioum now. Happy birthday Katelyo.

How many licks?

It was 10 or 11 days ago when I pinched my finger tip at work and gave myself a blood blister. Since then every time that I glance at my hand, I think I've got something on my finger. Now while there are others in the family more famous for picking scabs, I can't abide scabs. So there is a part of me that really wants to cut this blister open. My other half wants to wait and see how long it takes to heal on its own. I have never been able to make it to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, so it surprises me that I've resisted picking it for this long. The only thing that has stayed my hand so far is that it will require a tool of some type, and my laziness has trumped my pickingness.

I would drive 100,000 miles

After I got home from Camp Nana this summer, I watched Betty's odometer obsessively. Over the next 600 miles or so I rarely even looked at the road. I was so dedicated to getting this photo.

And this one.

I took these on the way to RobBob's birthday, and evidently completely lost interest in the story afterwards. It's taken me over a month to finally publish them. Even though I am very late in saying so, I am very proud of Betty and her accomplishment. I promise that at 200,000 miles, I will post in a more timely manner. I expect I'll be wearing my iGlasses then and will instantly post the story.

In a related story, I heard again recently that 94% of drivers consider themselves to be above average drivers. I am finally willing to admit that I am in that other 6%. It isn't just my desire to be in the minority. I pay very little attention to the what's going on around me unless it's heavy traffic. I rarely text while driving, but I will read tweets, take pictures of the dashboard, or perform general internetting.

Judges 21:25

"The other day there was no supervisor for the mailhandlers, everyone did what was right in his own eyes." You may not recognize that translation (I think it's from The Message), but that's the verse that came to mind when the MDO told us we would not have a micromanager one day last week. To my surprise, everyone still did their jobs, for the most part. Turns out that I work with adults. Who knew?

Meatloaf Baseball

With the number one pick in my National League draft I chose Ryan Braun. He wasn't playing up to his previous standards, then he was hurt, and then he was suspended. In the fourth round I picked Jason Motte as my only closer. He missed the entire season and I was unable to acquire another closer and finished with only five saves. That sums up my whole season. I finished in eighth place in the twelve team league.

My three mixed league teams came within half a point of a gold metal hat trick.

I joined a keeper league in its ninth year last season and finished a respectable fifth. This year with Trout, Harper, Stanton, Goldschmidt, Ryan Zimmerman, and Greinke returning, I lost by that half point. I tied the first place team in strikeouts. For those of you who don't speak rotisserie baseball, that means if my pitchers had  gotten 1284 strikeouts instead of 1283 over their 1310.2 innings, I would have won the title. Next year Yasiel Puig will likely replace one of those guys. I could have added CarGo also, but when he was dropped, I had a brain fart just like I did when I bet into Mac's flush.

Last year I won a first year keeper league by 2 points. This year I stretched my margin of victory to 4.5 points. I brought back Cutch, Cabrera, Pedroia, and Bautista and next year will be keeping Crush Davis and maybe Gerrit Cole (he did shut down the Cards today). As you can guess from that lineup I lead the league in runs, homeruns, and rbi's by a large margin. That made up for pitchers' terrible rate stats and k's.

In my auction league I also had an all hitting no pitching team, despite having Price and Lee on my staff. For most of the season I was first in all offensive categories except homeruns. I eventually got some pitching and my early hitting numbers held up despite season ending injuries to Kemp, CarGo, Wright, and Mauer.

In the two leagues I won, I was never in first place until the last two weeks of the season. In the league I lost, I was in first from August 12 until 3 days left in the season.

I don't have the strength to speak on the Cubs season. So in summing up the baseball season I'll just say, "Go Pirates!"

ps. The post is named after the band not the food.

Secret Invasion

Because of my crazy sleep schedule, at least that's my excuse, I sometimes fall asleep when I sit still. Sometimes it happens at church. Though usually at church, I drop into half sleep. Which means my eyes are mostly open and I still hear everything that is being said, but don't necessarily comprehend what's being said. This happened again on Sunday. Typically I rotate between pinching myself, pulling my arm hair, and biting my cheeks in order to stay awake, but it's not always effective.

Sunday night Matt read Revelation 5:1 "Then I saw in the right hand of him who was seated on the throne a scroll written within and on the back, sealed with seven seals." What I heard was, "seated on the throne a Skrull." In my defense I have been rewatching Earth's Mightiest Heroes season 2, so Skrulls have been on my mind lately.

And the Winner Is

Some time ago (I won't say how long because I won't write all of this in one sitting) I asked you my loyal readers to answer some trivia questions about me. I intentionally made them difficult. I doubt even I would be able to get them all right. Now it is time to reveal how little you know about me.

1. I was born at 11:17 am. After the first two entries I decided to give credit for the eleven o'clock hour, but then Moma blew the curve. Also you will notice that the post was published at 11:17.
2. Crooks Road. Though it now has a number that I don't even remember instead of a name.
3. Celebration 1986 at the Cobbages.
4. I have a BS in mathematics. I think that means I can make numbers lie.
5. I graduated in December of 1996 with a GPA of cough cough.
6. I've lived here over 15 years.
7. May 13 aka Mary Jo's birthday.
8. By the time this is published it will likely be 15 years (I don't actually remember my hire date), but as full time it has been 14 years. It feels like forever is a more accurate number.
9. The ring finger on the left hand. I have been meaning to add the story to this blog but have not gotten around to it yet.
10. Just the 2. The Grand Prix and the Mazda.
11. It only took five times before I learned my lesson. 92, 94, 96, 98, and 99. Apparently, I had no problem paying a speeding ticket every other year, but when it happened in consecutive years I decided to change my ways.
12. My car is named Betty after the classic Chevy Chase song Call Me Al.
13. I needed a name to represent the source of all knowledge and information in the world. Though I guess I could have chosen a name that went with playing games. My obvious choices were Giles and Wesley. I chose Giles. I rarely use his name though because I believe that all gender neutral things should have girl names.
14. My favorite color is purple, though during basketball season, it is also navy and gold.
15. My favorite food is doughnuts though ice cream is also an acceptable answer.
16. My favorite grink is coffee. I've only been drinking it for around seven years, so I have thirty-three years worth of missed coffee that I am trying to catch up on. And since Moma can't have coffee anymore, I feel obliged to drink her share too.
17. My road trip food of choice is peanut M&M's. When we were kids, I was on team plain, but some years ago I converted. I still like plain though, I always buy peanut.
18. My favorite number is 8. It is a perfect cube and also Andre Dawson's number with the Cubs.
19. I play MLB 13 the Show more than all other video games combined. I think this is my second or third version of this game,but even before that baseball has been my most played for years.
20. I have difficulty choosing between Angel and Buffy. They are practically the same show. Angel is a little bit better but there are 34 more episodes of Buffy. So either answer is correct.
21. My television's default channel is the MLBNetwork.
22. The Count of Monte Cristo. Also he makes a great sandwich.
23. Labor Day is the best. You don't have the hectic schedule of Christmas or the regimented schedule of Thanksgiving. MLK and Memorial Days are contenders but there is less car time with Labor Day than those two.
24. The aforementioned Andre Dawson is my favorite.
25. This question used to be much easier. Though in the past few years Carlos Zambrano, Derek Lee, Ryan Theriot, and Aramis Ramirez have all retired or left the Cubs. Darwin Barney is my current favorite Cub, but overall Ramirez is still my favorite.
26. Unfortunately only 3. One at Wrigley and two at old Busch.
27. This one is really hard. I would have given credit for anyone in the top 5 or so. Cuthbert Victor, Ed Daniel, Jewuan Long, Isaac Miles, Vincent Rainey, Marcus Brown, Tyler Holloway. My college career and Popeye's only overlapped by one year. Otherwise, he might be higher on the list.
28. Matt Murdock
29. My Daredevil #1 is CGC 3.5. There was a 4.0 on ebay recently that went for $610. I assume this is my most valuable.
30. My intent was to award this question Price Is Right style. But I only got one actual bid. 5357 was the number back when I asked the question. That's counting all trades and graphic novels as one comic each regardless of how many they might collect. I believe Moma's answer of "a bunch" is the closest without going over.
31. I've got two David Mack Daredevils and an Andy Lee Captain America.
32. I usually say telekinesis, but it is actually long range teleportation. TK would be fun, but being able to be in Clinton, Lexington, or Shalimar with just a thought would be better.
33. I saw Baseball for the first time in 1995 on KET. I don't remember when I started watching it every year, but it is one of my favorite traditions.
34. Naturally the second born Jase is my favorite regular on the show.
35. But my favorite episodes are the ones with the little girls.
36. California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Iowa, Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Virginia, West Virginia 22
37. 10 though Ellen thinks it's 11.
38. I thought this question might entice Mac to respond, but I guess he has forgotten his way to this blog.
39. I've got 157 Acappella songs out of 1853.
40. Farty.

So the final score is Joshua 28, Bill 20, Moma 20 plus 3 bonus points for funny answers on 6, 10, and 31.

I don't care if I ever get back!

Last night was game 3 of the Texas League Championship Series. Here's what you missed. 

Great weather. It was 72 degrees with an almost chilly breeze.

Free verse poetry.

Our catcher picking a runner off of second base.

San Antonio stranding runners on first and third with no one out in the third.

Then stranding the bases loaded with one out in the sixth (though they got their one run that inning).

CJ Cron hit a two runner homerun into the Mission's bullpen, and the San Antonio's centerfielder dove over the wall attempting to catch it.

A driving catch by our centerfielder on a shallow linedrive.

Two bunt singles (one for each team).

A 9-4-2-5 when one of the Travs took too big a turn around third on a double.

No free cheese dip, but a braut and a funnel cake.

The comedy stylings of Robyn and Ellen.

Post game fireworks.

Did that really just happen?

I told this story verbally at least five or six times Labor Day weekend. Hopefully the delay in putting the story into writing will change the telling up a bit, though the story is so long that I never had a memorized version.

Some years ago I bought a house. On the day I moved in, I went to Best Buy and said, "Give me the biggest tv you've got!" I made that part of the story up, but it was big. The sixty-five inch rear projection tv was admittedly too large for the room I put it in, though I didn't mind at first. After a few years when flat screens had become the norm, I was ready for something that took up less space. The problem with making that happen was that I had this behemoth to deal with.

Some friends of mine are adopting twins from Haiti. If you don't know anything about international adoption, I'll sum it up for you. It's expensive and takes an indefinite amount of time. When I saw on the facebook, that they were having another community yard sale to raise funds, I declared that the time for buying a new television had arrived.

I went back to the Best Buy and bought a much flatter but not that much smaller screen. With my usual amount of fore thought, I drove my Honda Civic to the store instead of the Ford Escape that was sitting unused in the driveway that day. I was able to wedge the television into the trunk after laying down the back seats. The Best Buy employee wanted no part in the loading process. Though the box was a little smashed, the tv made it home fine.

Whew, that was so much back story.

I borrowed Dad-o's truck and with some help loaded the tv into the back. As I was driving down the highway, I look over at the honking car next to me. I am incapable of reading lips and am only slightly more skilled at reading hand gestures. The hand gesture looked like break, but when I checked the mirrors the straps both appeared to be in place. Being the paranoid that I am I pulled over, and the car did as well.

It turned out that the guy wanted to know if the television was broken. He has one just like it that is broken. I told him about the yard sale that the tv was destined for. As I was giving him directions to the yard sale, I remembered the old saying, "a sale in the hand is worth two in the bush." So I said, "since this is already loaded, let's just take it to your house."

He called the repairman with whom he had previously discussed his broken television and was told that mine was worth $50-$100. We split the difference and agreed to $63. Later I did some ebay research and found people asking for more money but not getting any bids.

As I was following him home, it crossed my mind that this could be an elaborate plan to lure me into the country to rob me. I wasn't too worried though because he was wearing an Uncle Si t-shirt. We got to his house, and after running an extension cord out to the truck to prove that it worked, we unloaded the television.

I made my way on up to Beebe and put $34 of the $63 into Dad-o's gas tank. I had planned to not tell my weekend house guests about the new television, but since they beat me to Beebe and there was this great story, I wasn't able to bury the lead. If I had been able to keep that secret, the new tv might have gotten a better reaction than it did from those sleepy girls the night before.

What are the chances that I would have been driving that stretch of road at the exact same time as someone who was looking to buy that television? Very slim, I would think. The fact I was driving a Sandlin truck might have influenced it. Crazy stories happens to Sandlins with stunning regularity. But I am giving credit to God on this one. I am always reluctant to say, "God did it," about anything happening in this day and age. Even now, just two weeks removed from the event, I can feel my instincts kicking in telling me to hold my tongue. When it was happening though, I had no doubt that God made that sale possible. Sixty-three dollars won't go that far in covering the adoption expenses, but this may have been as much about strengthening my faith as caring for orphans.

Farty for Farty

One of my friends recently turned thirty. For the thirty days leading up to her big day, she asked Facebook trivia questions about herself. On her birthday she drew a name from everyone who answered a questioned right and gave out a prize to the winner. Obviously I can't plan something farty days in advance. So I'm asking farty questions here today. I'll give y'all a week or so to submit your answers.

We are operating on the honor system here. Don't read other peoples's answers before giving your own. If you don't trust your fellow commentors, email your answers to me. I'm sure I can think of a prize that is farty.

1. What time was I born?
2. What was the name of the road I lived on as a child?
3. When or where (year/event/location) did I first see Acappella?
4. What is my college degree?
5. When did I graduate from college (month and year)?
6. How long have I lived in Arkansas?
7. What is the date I bought my house (hint: it's someone's birthday)?
8. How long have I worked for the USPS? "It feels like forever," will get you partial credit.
9. Which finger did I break at work?
10. I used to be a terrible driver. How many cars have I totaled?
11. How many speeding tickets?
12. Speaking of cars, what's the name of my car?
13. What is my phone's name?
14. What is my favorite color?
15. What is my favorite food?
16. What is my favorite drink?
17. What is my favorite road trip food?
18. What is my favorite number?
19. What is my favorite video game?
20. What is my favorite tv show?
21. What is my favorite tv channel?
22. What is my favorite book?
23. What is my favorite holiday?
24. Who is my favorite baseball player?
25. Who is my favorite active baseball player?
26. How many Cubs games have I been to?
27. Who is my favorite Murray State Racer?
28. Who is my favorite comic book character?
29. What is my most valuable comic book?
30. How many comic books do I own?
31. Name either artist hanging on my living room wall.
32. If I could have any super power, what I would I choose?
33. What movie do I watch every March?
34. My latest obsession is Duck Dynasty. Who do I say is my favorite on the show?
35. Who is my actual favorite?
36. How many states have I been to?
37. How many planes have I been on?
38. Who am I afraid of?
39. Who appears most often on my MP3 player?
40. What's my favorite number to hear the Popster say?

As you all know, I am incapable of keeping a secret. So if you try trick me into giving away the answers, you will be disqualified.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there

With a lawnmower.

No wait. That wasn't State Farm. It was my actual good neighbor. Hold up, let me start this story over. Two weekends ago my yard needed mowing, but instead I spent the weekend in Clinton. Last Saturday when I went out to cut the already overgrown weeds, I mowed about a dozen feet before my mower died. For those of you keeping score this is the second time it has gone on the DL this season. I would have taken it to Dado the next day, but I had to get to Beebe early on Sunday to be there in time for potluck at church. My plan for today was to weedeat both the front and back, then mow on Monday just in time for Labor Day. When I finished with all the edges, I decided to chop down that tallest section of weeds in front of the house. Before I finished, but not before I was tired of weeding, my neighbor walked across the street and offered me the use of his mower. I graciously accepted. I only mowed the front not wanting to risk someone else's mower on the rock garden out back. Plus I had already spent two hours outside and was worried I might have gotten too much sun.

I had planned to get more done today, but as you can see, I am at my comp puter writing and watching baseball. There is still a chance that after Dado works his magic, I'll finish mowing on Monday or maybe Thursday. But it's just the back yard, and no one goes out there except the neighbor's dog. Not the good neighbor, the one with two barking dogs. There's a big difference.

Manic Monday

I spent half of my life on Monday ironing curtains. It may sound like a exaggeration, but if anything 20 years is an underestimation of how long it took. I hope all that work was worth the effort. The morning sun has turned my living room into the red light district. The dark curtains in Michelle's room make the room as black as my heart. I've seen both those rooms curtained before, so it's not that big a change. The curtains in my bedroom completely change the look of the room. I barely recognize it now. I've not taken any photos, so you'll have to wait and see it next weekend.

Gluttony

There is an urban legend of a dad who catches his son smoking and forces him to smoke until he gets sick. This is supposed to make the child never want to smoke again. I have done this to myself this weekend. Not with cigarettes, but with food.

Over eating is my default setting, but I think I may have gone above and beyond on Monday. It was one of those days when it seemed like throwing up would actually make me feel better. When I got to work, I wanted to die. Dying would have solved two of my problems. I would no longer feel sick, and I would not have to read The Enchantress.

For the last couple of months, I have been reading the poorly written Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. The story is very repetitive, and I am indifferent to or hate all the main characters. I have continued reading through five books because the premise of the story is interesting, and I like the supporting cast. However, with the surprise twist ending of The Warlock, the series has jumped the shark. It makes me want to renounce pacifism just long enough to punch Michael Scarn in the throat.

I hope that when I die of gluttation, I will lose my memory of Nicholas Flamel.

Pompous Circumstances

Congratulations to my shishter for graduating from the internet. Though, I'm not really sure how one does that. I suppose that they will just email her a diploma pdf. Or maybe a cat meme.

If she wants to walk at the graduation ceremony, it will have to be as a gif. Like this, but with her face photo shopped into it.

Here's a poem to celebrate her accomplishment.

Graduation day
What's coming up next for you?
Eviction notice

In the tradition of her former grandeur, here are my five favorite things about graduation.

1. I no longer have to play the bad guy and force her to do her homework.
2. I am now less likely to get way behind on television, but I might have to sit through a SYTYCD marathon soon.
3. I might get a home cooked meal for often now. Though, for the last month or so, she has been cooking more.
4. I will finally have an assistant available to help hang those curtains.
5. Becoming a librarian should bring a raise. However much of a raise she gets, I'm raising rent the same percentage. Bwahaha!

Building for the future

I have been meaning to write about baseball trades for a week or more, but it has also been trade deadline season for the Playstation Cubs. I am a much better gm than the computer, so my team is greatly improved. It remains to be seen if the real life Cubs have improved. Several Cubs were being mentioned as trade candidates today, but I think their pricetags were too high.

We did make several moves earlier in the month. Garza, Feldman, Marmol, Harriston, and Soriano have all been traded. Mike Olt is the biggest name prospect to join the club. I was pretty excited until I read that he has been having vision problems lingering from a concussion last season. Hopefully that is behind him, and he can hit like he has in the past. I think everyone else who came over were pitchers, most of them still years away from the majors.

In his six seasons before Chicago, Soriano had 5 90 rbi seasons, 4 100 run seasons, and 4 30/30 seasons, one of them a 40/40. He should have made the Cubs into perennial contenders. They did win the division his first two seasons before being swept out of the playoffs, but otherwise it was a disappointing injury plagued career at Wrigley. I had given up on Soriano ever being traded. His huge contract made him impossible to move. The Cubs will still have to pay 18 of the 25 million left on his contract, but at least we saved 7 mil and freed up some at bats for Junior Lake.

The Cubs are still at least another season away from being competitive. It doesn't help that division opponents St Louis, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati are all really good. At least the team is in better shape than it was this time last year. As a Cubs fan, that is really all you can ask for.

Shane Van Winkle

I slept eight hours today and nearly ten yesterday. I didn't realize that I was so tired, but I must have been. So much sleep really cut into the time I usually spend doing nothing. I suspect that I will return to my usual six hours tomorrow.

Also, I saw Avengers again this weekend. Mac is cra cra for even suggesting that Man of Steel is in the same class of movie.

Preshum

Three most preshum ones
Sophie, Lenny, and Shadow
The three amigos

Introvert

I might read the book Quiet some day. I hear it is all about how great I am. But until I have time to read it, I'll just keep reading this comic. It's brilliant.

Comfort Food

I'm here all alone, while everyone else is having fun together. This is the only thing to get me through these last two days.

*note - The box is no longer this full.

I would not, could not with a goat

Best draw something ever!

Changing Names

It is nearing fantasy football season. A team's name is very important to the success of a team. This will be the fourth season for the Neptune Pirates. Their first three season all ended in top two regular season finishes with one championship, my league leading third championship in the eleven year history of the Chicken Wing League. The Danville Platypi have had two disappointing seasons in the Fumbling Idiots, but I think this year they can turn things around. John Brown has finished in third place twice in Reality Football but does not have a traditional football team name. So it's time for a change. My newest obsession since the last time I needed a name change is Avatar the Last Airbender. I considered the Blind Bandits, but instead chose the Bei Fong Winged Boars. I predict great things this season from house Bei Fong.

A Long Time Ago, We Used To Be Friends

I just finished watching Veronica Mars for the second time. It was great. It is probably the best father/daughter combo on tv ever. Imagine if Lorelai was a man and also solved crimes, and you would have Keith Mars. If you hate rich people, this is the perfect show for you.

The guest star lineup is outstanding. Paul Rudd, Kevin Smith, Joss Whedon, Everyone's favorite landlord, Logan Huntzberger, Ben Wyatt, the Todd, Quinn Fabray, George Michael Bluth, and Maybe Funke. Plus reoccurring characters played by Harry Hamlin, Lisa Rinna, Steve Guttenberg, Cosette, Schmidt, Stan Sitwell, Cordelia Chase, and Willow Rosenberg. The regular cast didn't go on to fame, but they are really good.

I highly recommend this show, and you need to watch it before the movie comes out next year.

I Was a Giant

Last week when Mac was reading my recap of game night, he rightly thought that I should go back and add more commentary to explain the inside jokes. I was surprised that not everyone there had heard this story. Apparently Mac and I have just been telling it back and forth to each other. Since I had already added a paragraph about Florida, I didn't want to make another change this late in the game. Plus, this story is good enough to stand on its own. Get it. Stand. Classic Shane.

One Sunday Ellen and I spent the afternoon in Beebe. When 5:00 rolled around, we joined the queue and headed off to church. As I sat down on the pew, I noticed there was a step stool underneath the pew in front of me. I don't know why they are there but the auditorium is full of them. I used to always call them kneeling benches, but I don't think that is their intended purpose. My first thought upon seeing it was that I must stand on it when it is time to sing. Unfortunately there was not a time of standing before the sermon. The anticipation of this sight gag was so great that I could barely pay attention to the sermon. If that was not distracting enough, I was sitting between two note passing poets.

Eventually the sermon ended and my moment came. I stood up taller than any person has a right to be. I kept a straight face for about half a second before Mac looked at me, and we both fell into laughter. I tried my hardest to sing, but all I could do was giggle like three giggling things. When I did finally compose myself a bit, I was extremely paranoid that everyone behind me in the auditorium was staring at my freakish height. The stool is only 4 1/2 inches, which put me around 6' 3", but I felt like the tallest person in the world. Seriously I don't know how you tall people can live with everyone being able to see you. It was nerve racking. And now you know, the rest of the story.

So the next time you read, "Have my step ready, Sight gag can't compete tonight, May need to fall down," you can take comfort in the fact that your funniest moment may still be ahead of you. Alas, I will never be able to top that joke.

Procrastination, Thy Name Is Shane

My other option for title was "Procrastination, What is it good for? Absolutely everything! Say it again!"

I last donated blood in February. Eight weeks later, I get a call from the Red Cross and schedule my next donation. Because of my strenuous job, I always donate on Saturday morning to give me the most possible time to recover before returning to work. Unfortunately I fell asleep that morning and missed my appointment. Over the next three months, I kept coming up with excuses not to bleed. Some of those excuses were legitimate. I was sick, on vacation, on pain medicine, or my Moma was in state. The other weeks, my reason for not going was usually just tiredness and laziness. Since my missed appointment, I've screened 26 calls from the Red Cross. I'm a bad person.

I started this morning, as I do most mornings, by falling asleep on the couch. I finally forced myself awake at eleven and was prepared to declare the day wasted after such a long nap. But because it had been three weeks since I last mowed the yard, I forced myself outside. Instead of mowing the whole yard, I just weedate the tall spots and left the brown spots for another day, ignoring the back yard entirely. That only took twenty minutes, so I considered washing that inch thick layer of grime off my car. I then remembered that if I waited a week, there would be another inch thick layer on Betty, this one being bug guts collected between here, Clinton, and back again. With nothing else left to avoid doing other than cleaning the house, I grudgingly crossed the river.

There was no line, and I've been hydrating like it's my job since January, so I expected to be in and out in quick fashion. However, the three nurses who took turns adjusting the needle never could get a steady blood flow. I don't think they got a full pint. But I had already written the haiku, so I tweeted it anyway.

Procrastination
For once, I have beaten you
I'm now a pint low

A New Leaf

I am going to attempt to revive this blog. But instead of writing deep, meaningful prose or genius, comic pieces, it will be more of a diary of what I have done or has been in my head recently. I'm gonna write things too long for facebook or too short for twitter.

Yesterday this country celebrated it's 2013th birthday. I actually read that several times on twitter. I hope they were joking.

Two signs that it was a holiday. There were fancy desserts, and I got a turn holding the baby. That second picture is a chocolate chip pan cookie under the flag.

Game Night

I have been very over facebook lately. Too many things show up in my feed about which I don't care, and the iphone version annoys me greatly. However, this past Saturday it was the forum for some comedy gold. Afterwards I wished there was a way to relive those moments without having to search over several people's walls. Then I remembered that there once was a poorly written blog here. So I dusted off the cobwebs and started cutting and pasting.

The back story. Some of my family got together in the Beeb this weekend. Mac suggested playing a game, and for whatever reason no one showed any interest. Later that night after the crowd thinned, Robyn suggested that we pose for a game playing picture and send it to Mac. Since we had the game set up, we went ahead and played some. Here is the transcript from game.  I hope I didn't leave out anyone's comments.  I tried to find everything even if it wasn't poetry.

Back story part 2. It took lots of work cutting and pasting all of this, which made me too lazy to add all the commentary that I had intended. So now I have to add this part several days later. 2/3 of the family have recently vacationed in Florida. On Friday when I suggested that Mac make the trip, he complained that he had never been invited. I then texted my Floridian travel agent, and her response was brilliant. "I heard that you have never been invited to Florida. That's a shame." It may not sound that funny to you, but if you know their relationship, you can see the comic genius in it. On any other day she would have won facebook. Afterwards she did actually offer an invitation. That will be important later.

Family fun time! Playing games

Robyn posted the picture and tagged all of us, including Mac. When Mac did not comment on the picture, more of us posted.

Traci "Having an awesome time playing games with my family."

Ellen "has never had more fun playing games with her family."

Shane "Game night with the fam

           Missing the inspiration
           Good time had by all"

Someone I don't know commented "Simple things in life are the most rewarding!"

Mac finally broke his silence. "Simple things like breaking my heart..."
Mac "Sadistic cousins
         A heartless brother in-law
         ...wish I were with them."

Ellen "Robyn Nickleson
         Architect, Mastermind
         Diabolical"

Mac "My soulless sister
         Bring me her head on a stick
         Like yule-tide of old"

(when we were children Mac would ask for Robyn's head on a stick for Christmas)
Mac "Florida invite
         Oldest cousins are the best
         Michelle still loves me"

Robyn "It is bad news when you have to rely on Michelle to love you"

Mac " Sweet and loving 'chelle
          She would never break my heart
          Or laugh at my pain"

         "The softball is thrown
         The ketchup lid is loosened
         Don't fail us Michelle"

Ellen "We don't need you here
          Yay for satellite humor
          We are all in tears."
MacMac " I sat still through the whole game."

Mac "Don't like it people

         It's a vile plot of evil
         They're leaving me out!!!!!"

        "Mackye Sandlin lies
         All day - a blur of motion
         Housecoat calms her down?"

Ice Ice Baby texted baby's first haiku along with this selfie.

Ice Ice Baby "Y'all are mean to dad

                      It shatters my tiny heart

                      See my tears? REPENT!"

Ellen "Grandmac's heart weakens

          Don't use infant tears for guilt

          Judah still loves us"

Mac "Irrational chicks

         Manipulate emotions

         Don't rely on math

         "All weeping differs

         My tears are hot and angry!
         Judah hollers too."
Robyn "From Mac-Mac: is Tra-Tra cray-cray? #hashtag"

Nikki "Looks like a wild and crazy bunch to me! I missed seeing y'all today."

Mac "Don't lament Nikki,

         Outside it was way too hot
         No one would come in"

Ellen "We missed you, Nikki, but knew you needed to take care of your mama. Some of these good times are exaggerated to torture Mac because we are mean people."

Mac "Yeah, what Ellen said

         They're really awful people
          I left, then came fun."

          "Mean-spirited wife

          Thinks y'all are hilarious
          Hate-filled relations"

Michelle "I love that Jenni enjoys your pain!"

Mac "Outsiders confused

        "Aren't family games just good fun?"
         They don't feel my pain."

Ellen "Thank you so much for bringing Hit or Miss for us to play. We had the best time."

Mac "Hit or Miss is fun
         I'm glad you played without me
         NOT! (like from 90's)"

Mac "Shane is king of "likes" 
         Yet never contributes much
         Better in person"

         "Hard to tell online
         How much he likes a haiku
         Want to hear laughter"

Shane "Always taciturn
          Better at counting than words
          Roll on floor laughing"

Mac "Words are good when few
         A most difficult lesson
         For a fool like me."

Robyn "Playing without Mac

            Best idea that I've had
            Inspired first haiku."
Mac "What a lovely verse

         Welcome to the haiku club
         Devilish sister"

Ellen "Haikus reign supreme
         MacMac's lines don't make the cut
         Frustrated poet."

Mac "I bet she said, "Shoot!"

         in a funny high-pitched voice.
         It's the counting, right?"

        "At just five percent
        Satellite Mac won't last long
        Can't charge with Judah."

Ellen "Party time over
         No more fun had without you
         Spite has worn us out."

Mac " "A little slumber..."
         That was U.G.'s favorite verse.
         Disaster awaits."

         "Tomorrow's question:
         Which haiku was your favorite?
         See y'all at church class"

         "Traci can't be late

         The slides are in his inbox
         PowerPoint helper"

Shane "Have my step ready
           Sight gag can't compete tonight
           May need to fall down"

Traci "Phone died while gaming
          Posting jibes sucks battery
          My fav was Rob's first"

Mac "Romantic Traci
         Keeps himself out of dog house
         He really likes Rob"
Traci "family fun night

         happens when Mac leaves for home
         see all of the smiles?"

Michelle "You people are having fun without me! I want to make fun of Mac, too!"

"Jealous of fun! Jealous of torturing Mac (fun)! Don't believe MacMac sat still! Where is Butch?"

Traci " wish you were here, Michelle! Well, not "here" since I'm home now, but you know what I mean.  though, now that I think on it, would be pretty cool if you were here, too, except I'm about dog tired"

Robyn "See Shane's status for butch's location."

Shane "Haikus and torture

           Some "Oh, my belly" laughter
           Dale pooped the party"
(in his defense he did take the picture that got it all started, before the pooping)

Michelle "This one may be my favorite!!"

Mac " "Dale pooped the party"
          That's funny as a Herb joke
          May be my fav'rite"
         "Stoic Mr. Dale

          His portly athletic friend
          Mustachioed Herb

          Three party poopers
          Those antisocial nappers

          Watching dumb movies?"

         "Dad-o's in the pic
          I recant and I repent
          Pooper Dale's alone"
Robyn "So many haikus
            I'm still thinking in lines
            But not so much syllables"
K "What's with haikus?
     Cousins use them constantly.
     I see no appeal."

Mac "Containing Mac's words

          It's always a good idea
          Haikus are useful"

Michelle "Containing Mac's words
              Haikus are miraculous
              My fav and my best"

K "I don't need cousins,
   Even though they are funny,
   'Cause I have Sophie."

Shane "Sophie arm precium
           Herms ams better than cousins
           So true or some fense?"

Ellen "Much 'fense at your words
         Families love, laugh, cherish
         Sophie is the worst."

K "Meanie Aunt Ellen 
    Yourm harsh words just 'bout kill me!
    So true, Unkie Shane!"

Mac "Just baby cousins
        Need to have their poop cleaned up
        We win by a nose"

Mac " I heart Hawkins-speak
         Keep that dialect alive
         Spellings make me laugh"
Joshua "Florida invite?
            Dat much 'fense in Lexington
            Black sheep forever!"

Michelle "Joshua, only because I had just offered him a formal invitation to Florida. He had been crying about never being invited.
Ellen "apologizes.
         Facebook/family hijinks
         We are those people."

Michelle "So very glad you are!"

Mac "Fam-lee / Fam-i-lee

        I thought you made a mistake
        Threw off my counting"